“This above all; to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” – William Shakespeare

So often in life, we find ourselves living by habit, responding without awareness, being buffeted around by the challenges in life like a ship in the ocean without sails or a rudder. 

Imagine a life where you now have control of your ship, with a strong rudder and magnificent sails and the ability to make choices based upon your inner compass. Choices that aligns with your personally chosen life direction. Values are our just that. They are a part of us and highlight what we stand for, representing our unique, individual core essence. While we can’t easily control what we think or feel in any moment, we can choose our actions based on our values. 

Values serve as a guide to help us know what to do, so we can steer our ship. Think of your core values as a compass, your internal GPS that can guide your actions in a way that is personally meaningful to you.

Reflect on a time when you observed someone making a false statement, lying or cheating. Did it bring up a feeling of disgust or anger? Have you said something in anger, driven by your immediate or old habits and later regretted how you acted? Those feelings of anger, disgust or guilt/regret most commonly come from not being in alignment with your core values.

Without being aware of it, you may already be making decisions based off your values. Our worldview, which includes the messages we received from our parents, grandparents and expanding community, influence our core values; morals, integrity, honesty, kindness, love, compassion, respect, and more. Ask yourself, what gives your life meaning? What brings you joy? What drives and motivates you, the passion? What is most important in your life, that influences your decisions and actions?  Once you explore and determine your core values, you’ll be able to create purpose, goals and actions aiming toward what you desire to achieve.

Why is this important? Conflict, challenges and obstacles in life are inevitable, but you can learn to manage it and use it to catalyze growth. When we observe our world, what is occurring on a global scale, we can choose our behavior in such a way to have a positive impact.

The human being can perform a look at your emotion, because it can reflect the language. All human life is happening in conversations and in that space where you create the reality we live. –  Humberto Maturana 

The beauty of our humanness is the gift of emotions, that wonderful and wide range of emotions and our amazing ability to think. Our minds allow us to predict, remember, organize, categorize, evaluate, and so much more. Those cognitive processes make it possible for humans to do everything they do, from having conversations to creating architecture and designing technology. On the other hand, our thoughts can also get stuck on the negative traps that contribute to our stress, creating disconnection, and making our lives more complicated.

One of the best ways to make conflict more productive is to prevent your immediate reactions and action urges from having too much influence on what you say and do. For example, you can feel frustrated and angry, but choose not to say something you may regret. When an emotion or urge to respond builds, you can learn to press pause, notice what you are experiencing, reframe and choose your response/behavior in a way that aligns with your core values.

Here are some simple suggestions you can begin to practice so you can learn to notice the habitual patterns of thinking and behavior, and choose a response that aligns with your core values. This takes practice …

Pause > Notice > Re-Frame>Respond

Pause: Pay attention to your “red flags”, the patterns we habitually do daily, paying attention to your experiences so that you feel more present and engaged. When you notice you are feeling angry, frustrated, stressed, anxiety or fear, you can create space between what you are responding to and your response. This may be something as simple as taking a few deep breaths.

Notice: What are your feelings? What are you experiencing in your body? Learn to label the feeling non-judgmentally, being open to your feelings just as they are, with kindness and curiosity.

Reframe: What thoughts are you noticing? Are they the negative thoughts that contribute to stress, can disconnect us from others, and make our lives more difficult, creating the downward spiral and add fuel to your emotions?  Most negative thoughts or mental traps are built on faulty reasoning and habits. You can learn to challenge them. Remember, our perceptions have an enormous impact on our emotions and that can mean the difference between viewing a situation as a challenge or a threat. Begin to challenge the thought without arguing with yourself, gently and with curiosity, asking yourself one or more of the following questions:

• (Facts) Do I have enough information to support my conclusion?
• (Evidence) What’s the evidence for and against this thought?
• (Habits) Is this thought a habit of mind and I tend to think things like this in similar situations?
• (Past Experience) Have I dealt with situations like this before?
• (Friend) What would I tell a friend in the same situation?

Respond: Before you Respond, choose a behavior/mindset/action that  aligns with WHO you are, your core values.  

It is a reality of modern life that we are constantly presented with images and dialogue about who we should be, how we should act, where we should live, and what we should buy. We are bombarded with advertisements, social media, movies and other influences that can create doubt in ourself.

You can begin a new practice of making decisions and choices in a way that aligns with your core values.  Increasing your awareness might help you notice new things you hadn’t noticed before … it will take practice. Consistent, committed practice to create new ways of being, new habits of thinking, responding vs reacting … and soon, your behavior, your actions, your mindset and goals begin to align with your inner compass.

                                                                                    Blessings on your journey!

Each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity. – Marie Curie