How we mess up in our communications, and what we can do to prevent or recover.

September 25, 2022 

By Xavier Lee  

Have you ever unintentionally offended someone when the person misinterpreted what you meant?

I recently offended one of my colleagues when I offered to take leadership on a project we discussed. I knew that my colleague had a full plate of responsibilities, and I intended to support her and ease her burden by offering to take on some of the additional tasks we discussed. However, what I failed to realize was that she had been working on this project for many months, and my “offer” sounded to her and others like I didn’t have faith in her abilities, and even worse, felt like I was trying to swoop in to reap the rewards of many months of hard work and investment by others.  

Despite her initial anger, my colleague very politely declined my “offer” and explained her reasons why. Her professional and respectful response allowed me to immediately see my mistake, and I apologized. I also withdrew my “offer” and explained my intentions. Through our conversation, we were able to clean up any bad feelings and understand each other’s perspectives. She was able to see that I was only trying to help, and I understood why she had gotten upset. 

Situations similar to this are probably familiar to most people. We say or do something with good intentions, and the people whom we’re talking with, draw different inferences than the ones we meant.  Such misunderstandings can often lead to resentment and conflicts between co-workers, friends, and family members. For example, a co-worker gets upset because he felt excluded from not being copied in a certain email when the sender of the email’s intention was simply to save her colleague from a deluge of unnecessary communication. Or a couple who starts fighting because the husband comes from work and turns on the TV, and the wife feels upset because she assumes he’s not interested in talking when he’s just trying to relax before sharing his day with her. 

Misunderstanding of intentions can also occur when styles of communication are different among speakers. For example, perhaps when one communicator takes time choosing his words carefully so that he won’t accidentally offend or criticize, but the other person feels frustrated because she feels the speaker is being overly politically correct or not communicating clearly. 

Dr. Heidi Halvorson, a social psychologist, explains in her book “No One Understands You And What To Do About It”, that there’s often a big gap between how other people see us and how we see ourselves due to what psychologists call “the transparency illusion”— the belief that what is inside our minds is “transparent” or obvious to others, even though we haven’t done enough to communicate our feelings or intentions clearly. In other words, we just assume that other people can read our minds and perceiver our intentions, feelings, or desires clearly because they are so obvious to us. 

Another reason, why misunderstandings are so common is because as perceivers, we are often colored by our own experiences and biases. We fall into the trap of “tunnel vision” where we become too invested in our own worldview or ‘thinking’, which makes us more blind to others’ worldviews and intentions. 

In short, intentions are often misinterpreted in communication because: as senders, we believe that our intentions are clear when they are not because they seem so obvious to us. As receivers, we often misinterpret another’s message or actions based on our own experiences and/or what we want them to mean instead of what the sender’s actual intention is.  

So, what can we do to prevent or recover from this? Here are some ideas. 

1.Don’t assume you know what the other person’s intention is to prevent misunderstandings. Be direct and ask for clarification if you’re not clear about the other’s purpose in their action or message. However, keep in mind that even clarifying questions can be misinterpreted as pushback or criticism by the listener, so say, “I’d like to make sure I understand what you are saying, may I ask some questions as you explain?” 

2.Share your intention early when communicating. I remember once when I started arguing with a friend about a suggestion she made, she stopped me and said, “you know, I’m just trying to support you, right?” This comment made me realize that I was biting the hand that was trying to feed me because I didn’t like the particular food she was serving (her suggestion). Her statement of intention stopped me from attacking her further, and our conversation proceeded much more productively and respectfully.  

3.Use Lincoln’s Strategy of communicating ‘what is NOT your intention’. During his time as president, Abraham Lincoln had to communicate with many generals and politicians with large egos who may take offense at the smallest perceived slights. So, he would avoid misunderstandings and ruffling feathers by clearly stating what he did NOT mean upfront. Here’s an example of this technique from one of his letters: “In taking this step the government does not in the least reflect upon your efficiency or patriotism; on the contrary, have the fullest confidence in your ability…” 

In addition to the above ideas, two NLP presuppositions are relevant and can be applied to help you become better communicators. The two NLP presuppositions are: 

∙The meaning of your communication is the response you get. While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other person’s interpretation and response that reflects your effectiveness as a communicator. As Dr. Halverson says, “it’s much more practical for you to decide to be a good sender of signals than to hope that the perceiver is going to [interpret your intention correctly] … you can’t control what’s going on inside of another person’s mind, but you can control how you come across.” 

∙If what you are doing isn’t working, do something else. Flexibility is the key to success. If you notice a pattern of people constantly misinterpreting your intentions or asking for clarification, the problem may lie not with others, but with your poor communication. If you’re needing to frequently re-explain or clarify your messages or actions, you may need to upgrade your communication skills and/or change your behavior. 

It’s tempting and usually easier to blame others for misunderstanding us or saying the “wrong thing” than it is to practice good communication. However, studies have found that people who send clear signals to others are ultimately happier and more successful. They are more satisfied with their careers, relationships, and lives than those who don’t communicate clearly or are more difficult to read. Keep these benefits in mind as you learn to level up your communication. Your efforts may save relationships, and make you more effective and happier. 

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw 

Copyright 2022 Xavier Lee & Ideal Coaching Global